The Completely Non Awesome Adventures of a MarySue
by xElementFivex
Summary: Jessica is a young girl who gets sucked into the Death Note world and-wait? What do you mean no one cares?
1. A Sue Arrives

**Parody. Say it with me. Parody.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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One day Jessica was sitting in her room watching her favorite show Death Note. She was thinking about how totally _awesome_ Death Note was, and how_ awesome _L and Light were, and other generally _awesome _thoughts.

Then she heaved a mighty sigh of soul-crushing depression. Her life was so totally not _awesome._ She lived in the most non _awesome_ place in the world: America/Britain/Australia/random other place that wasn't Japan. Actually she wasn't quite sure where she was. She didn't want to seem uncultured so she kept it kind of vague.

She went to a completely non _awesome_ school where the teachers expected her to do something besides draw yaoi fanart of L and Light. It was almost like they didn't care about Death Note! (Which of course, was impossible, since it's such an _awesome_ show.) And she lived in a non_ awesome _house with her completely non_ awesome_ parents, who did horrible things like make her clean her room and not buy her the latest Death Note merchandise the moment it was on the market.

But of course, just because she had a non a_wesome_ life didn't mean she wasn't a_wesome. _No! She was totally and completely _awesome! _And hot. She was definitely the hottest thing ever to walk the earth. She had long straight raven-colored hair and big expressive, impossibly colored eyes. And she dressed in a completely _awesome_ style. Today she was wearing [insert impossibly complicated Gothic Lolita type outfit here]. Like I said, she was hawt. But still…

She sighed again as she thought more about how non_ awesome_ her life was. Another non-

Oh wait, Death Note was on the TV! She grabbed her favorite L plushie and sat her skinny Gothic Lolita butt in front of the giant TV her awful parents bought her. If only she could somehow magically transport herself into the Death Note world! She clutched her L plushie and clenched her beautiful eyes shut as she whispered, "I wish I were in Death Note. Cause it's awesome."

Suddenly there was a bright flash of light accompanied by a loud whooshing sound. Cold air blew her long hair wildly around her pretty face. Being the amazingly awesome person she was she didn't freak out. Things like this surely happened every day.

After the sound and the lights and the air stopped, she slowly opened her eyes. She was standing on an unfamiliar street in front of huge building.

"How did I get here?" she said. "This seems highly illogical! But strangely, I think I'm okay with it."

You might think that at this point, Jessica would be freaking out just a little. But you'd be wrong. After all, who could be scared when they were holding their favorite L plush-EEEEKKKKK! Her plushie was gone! Ignore the fact that she was sitting in her bedroom not moments ago and was now by herself in an unfamiliar place! Her doll was gone!

Just as she was starting to hyperventilate, she caught sight of a young man. Oh and what a young man he was. Beautiful caramel-colored hair, and impeccably dressed. He was possibly the most beautiful thing she had ever laid eyes on. Then she realized…

"Oh my god! Light-kun! Light-kun! Light-kun!" It was Light from Death Note! Oh, of all the crazy impossible things to happen to her! Once again, even though she was real girl from the real world, the fact that she was suddenly in an anime show didn't really seem to faze her.

She launched herself at Light and grabbed him around the waist, screaming "Light-kun" the whole time.

"What the hell? Get off of me!" he cried. "What's your problem?"

"Light-kun!" she screamed again. "You're so kawaii! Where's L-kun? Why aren't you handcuffed together? I want to see some yaoi!"

"Seriously, what's your problem?" Light looked disgusted at the young girl wrapping herself around his waist. "And stop trying to use my language. Your shallow understanding of the Japanese culture is hurting my ears."

"What?" Jessica let go of Light. That was weird. She couldn't understand a word he was saying. Why wasn't he speaking English? So what if Death Note took place in Japan? _She _was here now, so shouldn't the entire series be changing to fit her needs?

Now that the girl was no longer attempting to cut off blood flow to his lower body, Light took a good look at her. She had long black hair, and normal eyes. In general she was pretty normal looking. She was wearing an outfit that could only be described as something that was even too outlandish for Misa to wear. The look of confusion on her face was definitely not helping the general averageness of her appearance.

Light sighed. He recognized that clothing, and that look of confusion. Another Mary-Sue/author insert. Crap. And just when he thought today was going to be a good day. Time for the official Mary-Sue/author insert protocol.

He opened his mouth and gave a rushed speech. From the worn out tone in his voice, it was obvious he had given this speech countless times before. He and L had written it out after the third Mary-Sue/author insert girl to burst in on their lives. Through trial-and-error, they had figured out that the best way to get rid of a Mary-Sue/author insert was to humor them at first, and then ignore them. Eventually they got bored and stopped writing themselves into the series.

"Oh wow." he said with no emotion whatsoever. "What an incredibly attractive and witty girl you seem to be. Why don't you follow me inside this building to the super secret Kira Task Force Headquarters. It's obvious just from looking at your unique Gothic Lolita style that you will fit right in. Good thing you showed up. We were being way too serious and trying to actually catch Kira. Now that you're here, we can get to the things that really matter, like jokes and apparently amusing romps. And for good measure, we'll probably all fall in love with you while we're at it."

Jessica gave her fangirliest squeal and hugged Light with all her strength. While poor Light sputtered and started turning blue from lack of oxygen, Jessica squealed again and said, "This is gonna be so KAWAII!"

Light disentangled himself from her chokehold and started walking towards the building entrance. This was going to be a long couple of days.

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**And now for my motto: Reviews, flame or flying rocks. I welcome them all. Go.**


	2. The Sue Room

**This story is taking place before Light gives up the notebook and gets put in confinement.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Hey Light-kun! This is Task Force Headquarters right? I know the whole plot so I can help, right? Right?! And when is the yaoi stuff gonna happen? And where are your handcuffs? Do I get to see L-kun soon? And-"

"Stop talking!" Light shouted suddenly at Jessica. It had only been five minutes since he'd found the latest Mary-Sue wandering the street in front of the Task Force Headquarters and he already had a raging headache building around his temples. The girl had bombarded him with a constant stream of annoying questions all the way from the street, through the front doors, and up all seven flights of stairs. He paused in the small alcove room just before the main investigation room.

"Listen…uhh." he began unhappily. He hated having to speak in English for so long just to communicate with the Mary-Sues.

"It's Jessica!" she supplied happily. "And I'm so excited that I get to be part of the task force! And that I get to see you and L-kun! You two are so kawaii together!"

"Ok, three things first." Light continued. "Why do you keep talking about handcuffs? Is it some kind of fangirl thing? Let me just say that I'm not into bondage stuff, especially not with another g_uy._ Which brings me to my second point: What the hell is wrong with you fangirls? Do you realize what yaoi is? It's two guys having sex. That's it. It's not attractive. It's not any hotter than normal people having sex. There are fluids and awkward noises and…" Light shuddered slightly. "Anyway, I just don't understand the obsession. And third, you're not going to be part of the task force. Why would ever let some random girl who just dropped in out of nowhere join our investigation team? We wouldn't."

"But…but…" Jessica's beautiful eyes began to fill with tears, as her face turned a very unflattering shade of red. "But then what am I supposed to do while I'm here? I have to be an integral part of the plot from now on! Otherwise there's no point in someone writing this!"

Light sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He had had just about enough of this particular Sue. He really wished they'd stop showing up. Every time one did he'd have to go to extreme measures to keep them quiet, otherwise they'd just end up revealing his identity as Kira to L. Why didn't the fangirls ever want _him _to win? Why were they always on L's side?

Ah, well. These were questions only answerable after delving deep into a fangirl's twisted mind, and Light had absolutely zero desire to ever attempt such a suicidal feat.

Ignoring the Sue's increasingly more annoying voice, Light turned the set of shelves located in the small alcove to the left of the investigation room doors. Watari always kept it stocked for Sue emergencies such as this. Keeping his back turned so the Sue wouldn't see what he was doing, Light quickly pulled a plastic syringe filled with clear fluid out of an unmarked box. Hiding the syringe within in his slightly closed hand, he turned back to the Sue with a slight smirk on his face.

"Hey Jessica. I think I've changed my mind. It's obvious you should be a part of the task force. But first, I think since we're both such incredibly awesome people with great taste in fashion, we should hug."

Jessica stared at Light for a few seconds, eyes as wide as saucers, before giving an inhumanly loud squee. "Oh Light-kun! I don't care that you're Kira! You're just so kawaii!"

She rushed towards Light and embraced him as hard as she could. As soon her arms wrapped around him, Light slid the needle into the side of her neck and depressed the plunger. The Sue gave a small squeak of surprise and then went completely limp in Light's arms. He loosened the girl's unconscious hold on his waist and let her drop to the floor.

"Ugh," he grunted. "These fangirls are beginning to make me hate the word 'kawaii'."

The sedative he had just given her would wear off fairly quickly so he had to act fast. He tossed the now-empty syringe over his shoulder and unceremoniously grabbed the Sue by her skinny ankles. Unfortunately, he had yet to work out a better system to deal with Sues other than knocking them out. They just never seemed to cooperate when they were conscious.

He pushed open the door to the investigation room with his shoulder and, dragging the unconscious Sue behind him, immediately headed for the stairs in the corner of the room.

"Oh Light, you're back." L spoke from his usual spot in front of his computer. "I need you to look over the newest victims profiles and see if you can find any- oh. Another one? They just keep coming and coming, don't they?"

"Yeah," Light said. "I found this one outside. I'm just going to take her upstairs to the Sue Room. I'll be back in a minute to look over those profiles."

The rest of the investigation had already grown used to the sight of Light or L dragging unconscious Sues to and from the Sue Room, so they thought nothing of it.

"I'm so tired of these Sue," moaned L. "Their annoyance is never-ending, it seems."

"Hey, you don't get to complain this time." said Light, now halfway up the stairs. "You didn't even have to deal with this one while she was awake. I'm the one that nearly got my ribs crushed and had to listen to her raping our language."

Having said that, Light dragged the Sue up the rest of the stairs and down a short hallway, stopping in front of a door with a sign saying, 'Sue Room'.

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**Reviews? Please and thank you.**


	3. Sue Food

**Thanks for reading so far!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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Jessica slowly opened her eyes, immediately squinting against the glare of the harsh fluorescents. Her eyes gradually grew used to the bright lights and she was able to examine her surroundings. She was groggy and her head was in a fog, but she was still alert enough to wonder how she had gotten there. The last thing she remembered she was rushing forward to hug Light-kun and after that…nothing.

She shook her head quickly, trying to clear the sleep haze from her brain. She was in a small room filled with three long tables. Each table had four computers on it, and a chair in front of each computer. There was what seemed to be a large pile of cloth in one corner of the room.

"Hey."

Jessica jumped a little in surprise when she heard a voice. It was then that she realized she was not alone in the strange room. There were two other girls sharing the small space with her. One sat in front of a computer in the corner, eyes glued to the screen. She looked small and extremely pale, and seemed to be practically drowning in her gothic clothes.

The other girl, the one who had spoken, was seated at the second computer at the middle table. She spoke again, "Hey. Glad to see you've woken up. You must be confused. Here, you can have the computer next to mine." The girl made a small gesture towards the seat next to her. "I'll try my best to explain what's going on."

"T-thanks." Jessica stuttered. She was even more confused now. What was she doing with these two strange girls? She was supposed to be hanging out with L and Light and having playful yet sexy romps. Never mind the fact that she didn't actually have a clue about anything sexual, except what she had read in lemons. She would figure it out…somehow (and naturally, she would be awesome at it).

Jessica hesitantly went to take a seat next to the girl. Once she had settled in front of the computer she took a closer look at her. She had shoulder-length straight hair with stripes of brown, black, blonde, and red, with hot-pink bangs. A small stud glittered in her nose, and Jessica counted no less than eight earrings in her one exposed ear. She was wearing torn jeans, an oversized tye-dye t-shirt and scuffed combat boots. Jessica thought that all in all, the girl looked…tacky. Extremely tacky. How could they stick her in a room with a sickly goth and a fashion-challenged chick? She was far too awesome to be bunched in with these two losers.

"I'm Rachel," the girl said, holding out her hand for Jessica to shake.

Jessica took a moment to disdainfully eye Rachel's badly chipped silver nail polish before grudgingly shaking her hand and saying, "I'm Jessica. What is this place?"

"Ah," replied Rachel. "This is the Sue Room. Let me guess, you were just sitting at home watching Death Note, when all of the sudden you ended up in the show and met either L-kun or Light-kun. And after meeting them, you remember nothing else except waking up here?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what happened!" Jessica was surprised. How could this girl know so much about her? "How did you know?"

"That's what happens to everyone that ends up in the Sue Room," Rachel said matter-of-factly. Once a Sue shows up in the Death Note universe, Light-kun and L-kun lock us up in this room. They only come by once every few weeks to question us about the plot. If there's one thing you learn while you're here, this is the most important: You must never give away the plot to canon characters."

"Why?" asked Jessica.

"If you give away the plot, the entire Death Note universe could unravel. And who knows what could happen to you and me and all the other Sues that are still here? Not to mention the worst part: Death Note would cease to exist!"

"No!" cried Jessica. "That would be terrible! It's such an awesome show!"

"I know." Rachel nodded solemnly, and turned back to her computer screen.

"Hey wait! I still have questions!" Jessica waved her hand in front of Rachel's computer screen. "You made it sound like there were more Sues, so where are they all? And what are all these computers for?"

Rachel sighed and turned back towards Jessica. "I'll explain the computers, and that should help you understand where the other Sues went." She cleared her throat importantly and launched into a long, informative speech. "Remember how I said L-kun and Light-kun only come by once every few weeks? That means that they don't bring us food or anything. But that's ok. Sue's don't need food or water to survive in the Death Note universe. All we need is sustain ourselves is contained right here." she patted the computer monitor. "

"How-" Jessica began.

"Well if you wouldn't interrupt me, I'll explain it," snapped Rachel. She sighed. "Sorry for snapping at you. I'm a fanfiction writer, so socializing is hard for me sometimes. I'm not really used to talking to anyone except my computer. Anyway, I'll continue. Sue's like you and me survive on emails from fanfictiondotnet. I've been here a long time, so I've got it down to a pretty precise formula. All you need to keep yourself from Sue-death is one email per week, that is excluding review replies of course. No one really cares about those. The hierarchy goes like this: Reviews are the best, followed by story alerts and author alerts. Favorite story and favorite authors will do in a pinch. And even a private message is better than nothing."

"What happens if you don't get anything?" asked Jessica.

"That…" Rachel whispered, pointing to the corner where the large pile of cloth Jessica had noticed earlier was, "that is what happens. Sues who don't get any feedback waste away, until eventually they just disappear, leaving behind only their perky gothic Lolita outfits. It's tragic, but at least you'll never run out of clothes to wear. That's what happened to the other Sues."

"They…disappear?"

"Yes. They get paler, and skinnier, and more sickly looking until one day- poof!- they just disappear." She pointed again, this time at the gothic girl in the corner. "That's Tiffany. Unfortunately she's on the verge of Sue-death. Just look how pale she is. And-"

All of the sudden, before their eyes, Tiffany let out a soul-wrenching scream. Eyes still glued to the computer scream, the small girl continued screaming and fell out of her chair. Then the strangest thing happened. Tiffany burst into flames.

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**Reviews? Please and thank you.**


	4. Flamers vs Sues

**Any and all names and characters that resemble real people are completely intentional and I have permission from that person.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.**

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"Oh my God!" shrieked Jessica, immediately jumping up from her seat at the sight of the blazing girl. "Quick! Get some water! We have to put her out! She's-"

"Oh calm down," Rachel snapped at her, reaching out and grabbing Jessica's arm. Rachel gave a harsh tug and pulled Jessica back down into her seat. "Just watch."

"But-but she's on fire!" Jessica sputtered. "We have to do something!" It was becoming increasingly hard to speak over the sound of Tiffany's shrieks.

"She got flamed," Rachel retorted, on the verge of shouting to be heard. "There's nothing we can do. Besides, doesn't it make you kind of happy?"

"What?!" Jessica stared at Rachel incredulously. "Happy? No, of course not! I mean…" Jessica stared again at the flailing girl in the corner. What was the little tug she felt in her chest? Was it… happiness? "I… I am happy. Why does this make happy?"

"We're all fanfiction writers, or have you forgotten?" Jessica asked sarcastically. "We may say we care about each other, but deep down we actually hate each other. Don't deny that feeling of hatred you get every time someone gets more reviews than you. Especially when your story was so genius and theirs was such crap. Seeing each other get flamed is what we all secretly live for."

Jessica took a moment to process this new information, and now turned her gaze to Tiffany with a slight manic glint in her eyes. "I suppose you're right, Rachel. My stories were much better than hers."

The two girls continued to watch the morbid pyrotechnics display. Finally, all that was left of Tiffany was a smoldering pile of ash, and a faint smell of ramen. Convinced that the show was over, Rachel shoved her chair back and went to inspect the remains. She leaned over and gingerly plucked Tiffany's gothic shirt from the pile. Surprisingly, it was completely unharmed; it seemed the only thing affected by the fire had been Tiffany herself.

"Not bad," Rachel declared, inspecting the shirt. "I'll take this one for myself. Do you want the rest of her clothes?"

"Umm… no," Jessica replied, a little put off by the prospect of wearing a dead girl's clothing.

"Fine then. Your loss," said Rachel as she gathered up the rest of the clothes, shook the ash off of them, and tossed them into the pile of Gothic Lolita outfits in the corner. Smiling slightly to herself, she made her way back to her seat, clutching her new shirt. Once seated, she immediately absorbed herself into checking her (empty) email inbox.

"So…," Jessica began, unsure of how to phrase her question. "What exactly happened? What do you mean 'she got flamed'?"

"A flame," Rachel began. "It's a really mean review. I mean really horrible. And of course, it's always from an author who doesn't know what they're talking about. I mean, obviously we have tons of talent or we wouldn't be writing on this site at all. I think," she lowered her voice to a whisper, "people who flame are just jealous of all the awesome writing skills people like me and you have. In fact, I feel kind of sorry for the flamers; it must suck not to have talent like ours."

Jessica nodded fervently, in total agreement with Rachel.

"But," Rachel continued. "Even though they're obviously just jealous when they flame you, it still hurts pretty bad. And if you get a particularly violent flame… well… you end up like Tiffany." Rachel gestured to pathetic pile of ash in the corner. "I've never gotten a flame." She smiled smugly. "I guess the flamers know my story is way too good to flame. They'd be stupid to try."

Jessica felt suddenly concerned. What if her writing wasn't good enough to keep away the flamers? Or what if it was so ridiculously awesome that a bunch of people got jealous- then would she get flamed even more?

"Is… is there anything I can do to avoid getting flamed?" Jessica asked earnestly.

"Not really," Rachel replied. "I guess just try not to piss off any of the other authors. Then nobody will have any reason to be mean to you. It's not like anyone on this site actually has the courage to say what they really think of your writing anyway. Oh wait…" Rachel looked nervous, but she continued speaking anyway. "Just… watch out for Demetra."

"Demetra?"

Rachel lowered her voice dramatically and Jessica had to lean in close to discern all her words. "Demetra is one of the worst flamers this site has ever seen. She's ruthless. I can't count the number of Sues we've lost to her flamethrower- I mean… reviews. If you ever get a review from her, don't read it! You'll end up just like Tiffany. Not to mention- oh!"

Jessica jumped back in surprise as a small flame burst into life on the tip of Rachel's bangs. The fashion-challenged girl gave a small squeak of fear and quickly closed her thumb and index finger over the small fire, extinguishing it immediately. The smell of singed hair rose from the slightly burned bangs.

"What the hell was that?!" Jessica cried.

"I told you to watch out for Demetra. Even mentioning her is enough to start miniature fires."

"Wow," Jessica felt the ends of her own hair, making sure there was no such damage on her black locks. "That's intense. And so not awesome."

"I know," said Rachel. "But what do you expect? Not everyone can be as cool as we are. Hmmm…" she pointed to Jessica's computer monitor. "Why don't you go ahead and check your email? You've got to be dying to know what people have said about your fic so far."

"Good idea! I can't wait to see how many awesome reviews I got!" Jessica eagerly typed in the web address of her email server, desperate to log in. "Now let's see…" She typed in: Username: DeathNotefangirlKawaii346, Password: LxLyaoi4eva. "Okay," she rubbed her hands together in excitement. "Let's see what people had to say!" Jessica took a deep breath and hit the enter key.

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**Yay for Demetra, my favorite flamer on this site.**

**Beta-ed by: Emo-Nerdy-Insane-Writer**


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